July 23, 2009

I swear, it was going to eat my face off.....

I swear. And I dont swear often.
Ok, ok, so I do, but I'm trying to quit-
Cut me some slack, sheesh, I swear. Ooops, there I go again...daggumit anyway.
So, I'm travelin down the road, taking my son to work, there is a light mist
out, and I used my wipers once maybe twice.
We're chattin....still chattin....about a mile in, is when I SEE IT.
Its long and its mean & its green. And its looking at me.

What is IT?
IT is a Praying Mantis...I swear that sucker was at least 4 ft. long.
Ok, so maybe 4"....but you weren't there, so dont hate.

And its sitting right ON my dash, which in turn made me about wreck my car!!!
Thank God, I am now passing the Fire Station, because if this thing eats me, then I am close to help.

Now, if you know anything about Praying Mantis(s), I dont know
what they are praying about, but I am certain its praying about eating my face off.
And by the way, dont they kill after they've mated ????
If this thing thinks I AM her mate, then I'm assuming its an instant death.
I've never mated with an insect, and I dont plan on starting now.

It crossed my mind, that the thing was dead, because even the windshield wipers wasn't making her move 1 little hairy leg. Tim claps towards it, I'm totally freaking out and making some sort of odd screaming sounds, that even I haven't heard before. I swear.

Now....she decides to move one of her legs, ever so slightly, so I am threatening Tim, that if he claps again, and this thing lands on my face, and then eats me, I will NOT be able to pick him up from work.
He will have to find a ride home. I swear.

Somehow, someway, I made it to Tims work, I put that car into park,
jumped outta that car soo fast, I must have looked like Wonder Woman.
Where is she after all? I mean, I totally digged her outfit and all her power, I definately wanted to BE Wonder Woman....Didn't she wear red boots?

What does this have to do with the Praying Mantis eating my face off?

Nothing at all.

So, Im out of the car, dancing & screaming.....
and Tim is being all big & bad (because he has the need to impress the new girlfriend, who is at work, and POSSIBLY watching out the window)
Yah, umm...right, anyway....
His "man plan" is to scoop this thing up in his hand, and toss it out the door.
So he reaches in, to go for the scoop, when IT MOVES and now we have Tim freaking out !! Yah...nice man plan, lol....Sheesh, I swear.

So, thank the Good Lawd I have kleenex and LOTS of it, because Plan (A) to scoop it up, which didnt work. So Plan (B) is to use the kleenex to coax it out of the car and back into the world, but Plan (B) failed and all I heard was a big S-P-L-A-T !!

So instead of having the usual dust on my car dash, I now have
bug guts and its stinking.
Have you EVER smelled bug guts? Its gross, so DONT.
Whew, the initial problem is solved, but as I'm driving home, all I can think about, is the fact, that more Praying Mantis could be hiding in my car, and they are all talking, praying and planning to eat my face off.

I get home, and Google, Praying Mantis.
Did you know they can turn their heads 180 degrees?
Holy crap. They use their front legs, to snare their victim, with reflexes soo quick, the naked eye cant see it happen.

What is it about the word naked eye, that makes me giggle?
Teehee.....naked. Eye....*giggle*

So, back to my purpose, their legs have spikes for snaring prey and pinning it in place.

And as you know, they also eat their mate either during sex, or shortly thereafter, but that does NOT deter the males from reproduction.

Pffftt.....go figure.
Imagine that. I will not even GO there, because we all know
what MEN and SEX equal.
Well you all know the answer to that question.....

But if us Women were smart, and started taking the Praying Mantis's advice, we'd all EAT our mates and be MUCH HAPPIER.

Sheesh. I swear.


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