December 15, 2008


So I get my blood cultures done today.
They cant use just ONE vein. Oh no....must be against vampire protocol, they had to use THREE veins.

Plus they have you sit in this high chair in the lab, and then move this wooden arm like apparatus across you, sorta trapping you in your seat.
There is nothing worse than being trapped in a lab chair while watching a sharp needle approach your vein. All while having your arm tied with this HUGE rubber band I believe they call a tourniquet.

Oh good times.
So before Miss Vampire taps into THREE veins, yes THREE....the number 3....I ask her for her bloody credentials.
Oh please, like you dont when someones coming at YOU with a sharp object to take your blood out of your body.

First poke, good. Goes rather well....I'm not feeling as trapped.
She drains the blood from my right arm and immediately starts in for the left arm.

Eeeeeekkkkk, STOP. I have NO good veins in my left arm.
Problem. I'm starting to sweat at this point.
Hoping my deoderant is kicking in, thank God for anti-perspirant!
She manages to drain my left arm, and grabs ANOTHER needle to drain the RIGHT arm AGAIN.

Holy crap lady, I have NO freegan blood left!
My veins are hiding by now, Im sweating like a whore in church and I'm STILL trapped in the lab chair.
I'm totally hating life right about now.

I'm now counting....
Most of you remember The Count? Oh yeh, from Sesame Street?
He would laugh maniacally, "AH AH AH AH AH!" as thunder roared overhead and lightning flashed.
I am now thoroughly expecting the number THREE to appear on the TV screen......Three! The number THREE!.....3 3 3 3 3 3 3...... as a bolt of lightening flashes thru the lab....In fact, I think I did hear thunder?

I think I DID see lightening....Omigod, I'm delirious because they took all my blood.
I'm seeing & hearing things, I feel faint. Bring on the smelling salts.
The lab girl is a shade of Purple and her head is sort of football shaped, like Stewie's on Family Guy. She's counting....
AH, AH, AH, AH....the number THREE!
Three Veins I will draw blood from...THREE.....and she's laughing.


OK, so I'm being melodramatic, wouldn't YOU if a Vampire trapped you in a lab chair and stole all YOUR blood?

Uh-huh. I thought so.
And alright, so I lied, it wasnt that bad, and the flashes of light, were probably from the stupid TV playing to divert my attention.
Only the Young & The Restless was on, and well....I hate that show.

Pffffttt.....dont laugh. It could all happen to you.

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